23 Lifetimes

Today marks my 23rd year of life. In reverence of that, I have been reflecting on my spiritual journey and all the ways it manifested whether through support with my healer or through soul-affirming dreams. A few days ago my healer told me, “Some souls find the same souls that they meet repeatedly throughout every lifetime.” She goes on by saying, “These souls are part of soul groups and they find each other like soul mates do except they are a system of connected souls.”

Tears started streaking down my cheeks. I didn’t understand my sense of overwhelm, but then a thought arises within me: What if Daisy (one of my closest friends) and I are soul pairs? Not only do I wonder that, but I begin reflecting on all the loves I’ve met between birth to age 23. I think about my parent’s love and how even through separation, their devotion to their children is deep and profound. This love is my first love in this lifetime, but it definitely is not a love that exists in the singularity in my spiritual and lived experiences.

There are so many people I know and have gotten the privilege of knowing that have taught me something about the preciousness of life, the fragility of existence, the connection of spirit, the celebration of soul.

There are moments where I feel like I’ve lived them before. Same experience, different bodies. I don’t know if I believe in reincarnation, but wow–as I sit facing my healer–I can’t help but to think about all the brilliant, beautiful, amazing, and delightful things I’ve experienced in this lifetime. I’m turning 23 and since I was a pre-teen my teachers and mentors would describe me as an “old soul”. I translated that as maybe “a character that’s aged a bit past the means to fit”, but now I wonder how many lifetimes I may have lived before this one. And even if this was my 23rd lifetime, thank God I am a part of this one because I am incredibly blessed to have connected with all the people who have taught me invaluable lessons and given me indescribable love.

How lucky are we to have met each other in all the chaos of living and grieving and being and loving.

I have only told a few people of this dream, but a long time ago around the age of 14 I had someone offer a prayer to me. She asked God to speak to me. I didn’t think much of it, but that night I dreamt of Jesus. I was in a long sterile white hallway and when I looked up there was this bright, effervescent, and warm light. I immediately ran up to the light and as I got closer the light surrounded me too. My arms embraced a body and when I adjusted my glance, I saw the kindest eyes-Jesus, but I knew it was him before I saw him. Something deep in me felt safe and relieved when I first felt his presence. I embraced him with all my might and he did with all of his gentleness. I began weeping, begging, asking him, “Please take me with you. Please take me.” Around this time I was struggling with my depression and I was hopeful he would release me from this pain by bringing me with him. He looked at me calmly and in a stern voice he said, “This is not your time yet. You have things to do here.” I continue weeping and he embraces me. It felt like being in the center of the sun except I wasn’t burning. It was as if my soul was wrapped in a weighted blanket of deep devoted love. “It’s okay, everything’s going to be okay. You have things to do here,” he continues to say. Suddenly, I am no longer in a hallway but as I type this I can still remember his warm embrace. I can still feel the way his light uplifted me. I never saw Jesus leave me from that dream, instead I just woke up.

When I am in my depression, I often wonder what Jesus meant by, “You have things to do here.” I wonder if I’ll ever know what exactly it entails and if I’ll ever know when I’ve completed what I’m supposed to do, but I am overjoyed to be in this moment where I can say, “Let’s explore this whole lifetime to find out.”

Towards the end of my session with my healer, we talk about names and naming ceremonies. She says that all names have meaning and we both pull out our phones to look up what Michelle means. Several sites offer this, “Michelle is a given name, originally a variant of Michèle, the French feminine form of Michel, derived from the Hebrew name Michael meaning “Who is like God?”

We both squeal in excitement at how spiritually aligned that name is. It’s weird how even being distant from church and not practicing my faith in the expected ways of my culture, I feel closer to God. I feel the most spiritually aligned in these times compared to prior. And as I sit here typing this I can’t stop repeating to myself, thank god I’m here. Thank god I’m here. My 13 year old self could never have imagined all the love I would experience.

It is enlightening to see and feel how present he is in all the mystery. So as I turn 23, I am looking forward to living into the ambiguity of life, but with drive and purpose because I have things to do here and together, we are just getting started.

All the love,

Michelle

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