I want to write something beautiful.
This is what I tell myself when I open my laptop and begin typing. The pressure to expel something worthy when you feel anything but is frustrating. So instead I let a few weeks roll by without updating this blog, but here we are, in each other’s presence. Imperfections lie in the spaces between us.
I’ve seen so many of my peers struggle these past few weeks. The people who have leaned on me have leaned hard. Their struggles are not singular nor isolative. When they feel pain, I am pained. When their joys are stripped and replaced by a bleak cloak of depression, my heart extends itself towards them. It hurts to see those you love hurting. Because love is not felt alone, pain is never isolated.
That’s the condition of the human experience. We have this innate yearning to connect. To feel. To be seen. To love. To have been loved. To live. To have lived well. When there are things that disrupt that, we may feel less than. Invisible. Unworthy of loving and being loved. Our sparks to live have flickered off. Our joys to live well, maybe they are replaced with the belief that this is all we will surmount to. The lack of the things we want can rob us of the joy from the things we have.
Tell me, are you shaping yourself into something or for something? Who or what is beating the drum you dance to? What gives you that bounce to your step? How are you finding your rhythm in this life?
Lately, I’ve been in limbo. I’m not depressed nor am I necessarily happy, but I’ve found myself letting in joy more naturally. Recovery is confusing. Every time I’m better it feels like I’m leveling up. Any time I think I’m moving backward, I take that as me falling downwards. Recovery isn’t linear. The way we move in life isn’t either. I’m beginning to wonder if recovery and life aren’t even separate. It’s sort of like a dance if you trace a duo’s footsteps they don’t make this pretty line that soars through the heavens. It’s the feelings they emit while they dance in each other’s company that are blissful. That’s recovery. Dancing with life, carrying all of its weight and moving with it. Choosing the song. Learning to dance. Finding your rhythm. Letting yourself waltz with all of it. All of this in all of its impurities too.
When you’re discouraged, have you played a new track? Learned a new song? Sought support from another dancer to teach you a new step, a new dance?
Don’t ever for a moment think that you have to do any of life alone. When you need to rest, take a moment to breathe-it’s okay to choose to be alone, but know you do not have to be alone too.
To those of you who have been struggling, know my heart goes out to you. I don’t know where this road leads or if there are any right combinations of words that can be reassuring, but as someone once told me… your track record for getting through the bad days is 100% and that’s pretty da*n good. What a badass you are. Thank you for letting me marvel in your presence.